Like being released from a chair lift atop a black diamond ski slope (I’ve never been skiing, nor have I ever taken a ride on a chair lift, but this analogy feels like a perfect one!), I plunged down, down, down, out of control...savoring every spoonful of that ice cream until it was gone…until Eve turned back to take another bite and saw the empty cardboard container. She looked at me wide-eyed, and said, “Oh my God! What happened?!!” And suddenly, the avalanche of emotions buried me.
What had I done?? Nearly 15 months without sugar or any sweeteners…gone by the wayside. Back to square one of detox. Back to fighting the cravings for more and more. Back to 6 days of letting the toxins flush through my system before being completely sugar-free again. Back to being cranky, moody, resentful of everyone around me who can eat sweets without a world war erupting in their heads. Back to being tempted by every carbohydrate in my path while I detoxed again. Back to restless nights of guilt and shame and recommitments. I had released the Kracken!
And then I woke up…. AND I WAS SO VERY GRATEFUL that it had just been a dream! I used to have pig-out dreams often, and they were so realistic that I’d sometimes drag around shrouded in guilt and shame for days before I'd realize it had just been a dream. I worried that this might be the case today, once I fully awoke and started my day. Nope! I’m practically dancing in the streets about the fact that it was only a dream…another lingering remnant of Fat Marsha.
Before I went to bed last night, I'd written to a cousin who recently lost his father (my beloved cousin Willie, rest in peace). Keith had e-mailed about his dad appearing in one of his dreams, and I commiserated with him about how tragic and painful it can be when we wake up from those kinds of dreams. I occasionally have them with/about my mother, and for those brief moments of REM, there’s such a peaceful and nurturing sense of normalcy and closeness…and then you wake up and the immediate heartbreak is almost overwhelming, as your loved one slips away from you once again. I hate waking up from those dreams. But waking up from a dream in which I’ve devoured nearly a quart of ice cream?? THAT is like heaven on earth!